Sam deserves his own post as he is on my list of people who I think I know well enough to write about. He and I have had numerous adventures together and still do as we see each other often. Sam is one of the smartest and most knowledgeable people I know, and a real seeker of knowledge. We have a lot of fun playing together and I learn a lot when we work together.My only trouble with Sam is doing something with him when it's in an area where I know as much or perhaps even more than Sam. Then, Sam is, as I often tell him, a "pain in the ass". I understand that the need to question every step in a process is a security issue for Sam whose family are a bunch of weird and selfish people, however, I ain't one of them. Of course, I am a pain in the ass who never feels he's wrong either, so I'm really not one to judge. To be fair, Sam and I usually work out our differences, and in spite of them, really like each other.
Sam had a good time with the guys at Big Gray. The men's club of Big Gray was a long standing tradition at the house. The men (especially) were more likely to have night jobs or weekends in the middle of the week as I did at both the bookstore and at Circle's.That also meant the people who you hung out with the most at Big Gray were men. There were a few women who didn't fit the mold , like Sylvia who worked nights waitressing and Donna who had ten or more odd jobs in her three year stay. But by and large,it was the men of the house who would find themselves gathering together for all manner of conversation and libations. I'm sure it was during one of these "meetings" that Sam and I cooked up the idea to grow pot indoors at Big Gray.Our outdoor gardens were far too apparent to our neighbors to whom we were trying to appear more "normal", and we had an entire crop stolen once before. So, as you constant readers will know, there was a long tradition at Big Gray of using the large, unoccupied space of the basement for individual ventures. Jaime's bottle destroying wall , Barbara's pottery studio, Abby's jewelry studio, Matt's wood shop ,the darkroom and my garden starting area were all "basement projects". The garden area consisted of a wooden frame with three shelves positioned between two of the basement's pillars.I mounted grow lights on the shelves and started garden plants there in early spring. There was a heavy, plastic sheet in the back of the frame used to block the cold from destroying my young plants. We decided to block off the area defined by the frame by placing two pieces of sheet rock from the frame extending back to the cellar wall. That created a "room"which we then sealed from light by lining it with garbage bags. This was important for two reasons. For one, meter readers visited our basement monthly, and secondly, in order to reach the flowering stage, pot needs to be grown in alternating 16 hour "days" and 8 hour nights completely devoid of light. To provide light, we hung a 5 bulb commercial florescent frame which we found in the trash somewhere from the ceiling. We construed a way it could be lowered or raised as needed to supply light to the 9 buckets of a specially designed soil mix we created. An aquarium timer shut the lights off after the requisite 16 hour interval. Characteristically, we argued incessantly during the whole process and the pot even though we got it to flower, wasn't that good. Weeks into our project, we learned that our basement was being bathed in carbon monoxide from a blocked chimney vent. Sam blames that on our arguments. I think we would have argued anyway, but I wonder if it compromised the pot.
Sam and I still argue over most things we do together, but our friendship also continues to grow.
At Big Gray, he had problems with the process of seeking consensus. Like Dan, he found consensus inhibited us from making Big Gray into a truly beautiful place to live and would have opted for a majority rule. (There was always someone who didn't want to spend money or energy for many of these projects)I don't think majority rule belongs in a commune, although I understand their position and often felt the same frustration with less committed people who for various reasons didn't want to go along with projects to improve the house. Recently, Sam's partner proposed we (She and Sam and my wife and I) buy a piece of property with the intention of creating another communal house, only this time with rules we would all be committed to following. I shot down the idea. I really don't think a commune can survive with rules, just like I don't believe a family can flourish on rules alone. It takes love and trust to make a family work, and I think the same holds true for communes. That's why all the rituals and parties and meals together are so important. They help provide the "glue" that bind people together. Where I personally failed with Big Gray was in not following my instincts about people who I felt would not fit the Big Gray model. Practically speaking, we would have had far fewer problems had I been stronger about waiting for people I felt that bond with. Of course, we would also have had far fewer members that way, but Sam would have been happier. Anyhow, Sam eventually left to argue with his new bride and Big Gray was left trying to recruit what would be its last Fire Chief.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
The Wedding and the Milk, Butter and Eggs Generation
It all began to fall apart after the wedding. Ah, the wedding! Truly one of our finest moments as a house. My girls and Julie played a roll, Kim was on the piano, I remember Matt serving food chatting up all the guests like a nice, normal person. I should have known. Matt was supposed to ride his Harley up a ramp, through the front hall and into the dining room. (as he did at one of our summer anniversary parties.) It was a bad sign because being married usually meant one thing. Barbara and Michael would be leaving Big Gray to find a home of their own. True, we all had an idea to escape to the country - sort of move Big Gray to the country. But, in the end, Mike and Barbara did it alone, and another great part of the connection I had with that first generation moved away. Matt and Laura also had married (not to each other) and moved. Abby too, after living at Big Gray for a time with Rene, moved to California with him and married. Were wedding bells breaking up that old gang of mine?
In the corner of the bedroom where I sit writing this untangling of my memory, there's a framed photograph taken by an artist friend of Becky's. She was visiting during one of our summer parties and the morning after, when we were all finally up, gathered us outside for a rare group photo. It's a great picture but, Kim and I are the only ones in that photograph who had a link to our early history. Moreover, Joyce is the only one in that photo older than Kim. When Kim joined our original group, I recall that he was our youngest member. Now here we sat, two old bachelors, among these younger single people. The next generation had taken over, and I was getting older. Could I still be relevant among this younger group of mid-westerners?
Well, let me tell you, I sometimes did feel out of place and that was just too bad, because it was really my problem. Anyway, Dan's was a strong generation, two among it old friends of his from Ohio. They were also two guys who contributed a lot to the quality of life at Big Gray. Keith was a great guy, and the father of an adorable little boy. He was going through a lot of relationship problems while he lived with us, but Keith was always good to be around. (Another Big Gray Aquarius). And the other Cincinnati guy was Eddie who came to Big Gray with the beautiful Martha. He was one of our outstanding book keepers. He kept a lot of stuff in his head unlike Barbara whose record keeping was flawless, but he had some decent ideas on the sharing and privatizing of food in the refrigerator. Eddie was the founder of the Milk Butter and Eggs Club which significantly streamlined the organization of the space in our (two) refrigerators. He also started us on recycling. On a personal level, Eddie was a good and generous friend. I believe he was the driving force behind taking up a collection for me on my 50th birthday to help pay for a trip to Italy which I probably would not have gone on without that gift and the fact that he would be meeting me in Rome. We went to a few Dead concerts together, as well. Eddie was also a frequent visitor to my room with his red bong which he bequeathed to me when he left. (Yesterday, I went to a wedding. The tie I wore -a silk lined classic, was a gift of Eddie's from his dad's closet.) And if all that weren't enough, Eddie moved to Big Gray with two girls I really loved- Martha, his girlfriend at the time and Chelsea, his dog.I took care of Chelsea whenever he and Martha were away, and I hung out with Martha and Kim (who also had a crush on Martha) whenever she was available. Eddie left Big Gray, broke up with Martha who became a Park Ranger in Washington, and went to medical school. I think Abby is still in touch with him. If that's the case, I hope she will direct him to the blog so he may add his remembrances. While I'm on that subject, I hope that all of you who read this will use the comments section to add your thoughts.The Milk Butter and Eggs generation was not without its problems, but compared to its predecessor, it was a quiet time at the big house. We had two fire chiefs. The guy who we took in right before Michael and Barbara left was the leader of that generation, Dan. As I said, he was from Ohio, a big Cincinnati Reds and Bengals fan. He studied Chinese at Ohio State and was translating letters and documents from China for a New York law firm when he came to Big Gray. Dan was an extremely ambitious person. He applied for and won a Kellogs' Foundation grant and soon after, began working towards the formation of an organization, The New York Rain Forest Alliance. Dan led the fledgling organization from a two person group to a major player in the field of ecological preservation. He still serves as Chairman of the Board. So,all this was going on while Dan was at the house. He left in 1991 after six years.I think Dan truly loved living at Big Gray, but grew weary of our constant necessity to reach consensus. Another fire chief who had a similar problem with our process was Sam who lived at Big Gray for two or three years during Dan's tenure. He too felt that the need for consensus was frustrating and blamed others for what he could not accomplish. Both these guys had a point, but I think both missed the point.If you're going to live in a house like Big Gray, you have to strike a balance between playing by the consensus rules and doing what you think is right. In January of 1989, we received a disturbing letter from the head of the parish council of the church that owned Big Gray. In it he stated that our rental agreement was monthly, and that new considerations (to convert the house for "Church use") required us to vacate by June of that year. The letter was addressed to me. I was very upset by it and immediately wrote a letter to the Monsignor asking him to reconsider the decision. Martha was the only other person home at the time I finished my letter. I showed it to her and asked her opinion. She thought it was OK, but was also disturbed by the news we might lose Big Gray. In spite of my communal sense, I had a proprietary feeling about the house and I sent the letter without consulting anyone else. I felt Dan would have taken a combative stance, which knowing the Monsignor as well as I thought I did, would have been the wrong approach. Someone else might have called a meeting and tried to bring everyone else along. I didn't. Later that evening at the emergency meeting I called, Dan berated me for acting without consulting the house. As I suspected, he wanted to hire a lawyer. Well, as it turned out, the lawyer he consulted told us we had no legal claim. And, when the Monsignor visited the house later on with members of the council, he assured me that "We should not worry- that as long as the house could be rented, he would rent it to us". As it turned out, the Church found it unfeasible to convert the house, and they continued to rent it to us till 1996 when we announced we would no longer continue.I believe my letter prompted the Monsignor's promise and that Dan's approach would have been seen as belligerent. But my point is that I didn't wait.I acted on impulse. I took charge. Dan and Sam both had problems moving within that process. I think it may have something to do with their own family dynamic, but I don't know.
In the corner of the bedroom where I sit writing this untangling of my memory, there's a framed photograph taken by an artist friend of Becky's. She was visiting during one of our summer parties and the morning after, when we were all finally up, gathered us outside for a rare group photo. It's a great picture but, Kim and I are the only ones in that photograph who had a link to our early history. Moreover, Joyce is the only one in that photo older than Kim. When Kim joined our original group, I recall that he was our youngest member. Now here we sat, two old bachelors, among these younger single people. The next generation had taken over, and I was getting older. Could I still be relevant among this younger group of mid-westerners?
Well, let me tell you, I sometimes did feel out of place and that was just too bad, because it was really my problem. Anyway, Dan's was a strong generation, two among it old friends of his from Ohio. They were also two guys who contributed a lot to the quality of life at Big Gray. Keith was a great guy, and the father of an adorable little boy. He was going through a lot of relationship problems while he lived with us, but Keith was always good to be around. (Another Big Gray Aquarius). And the other Cincinnati guy was Eddie who came to Big Gray with the beautiful Martha. He was one of our outstanding book keepers. He kept a lot of stuff in his head unlike Barbara whose record keeping was flawless, but he had some decent ideas on the sharing and privatizing of food in the refrigerator. Eddie was the founder of the Milk Butter and Eggs Club which significantly streamlined the organization of the space in our (two) refrigerators. He also started us on recycling. On a personal level, Eddie was a good and generous friend. I believe he was the driving force behind taking up a collection for me on my 50th birthday to help pay for a trip to Italy which I probably would not have gone on without that gift and the fact that he would be meeting me in Rome. We went to a few Dead concerts together, as well. Eddie was also a frequent visitor to my room with his red bong which he bequeathed to me when he left. (Yesterday, I went to a wedding. The tie I wore -a silk lined classic, was a gift of Eddie's from his dad's closet.) And if all that weren't enough, Eddie moved to Big Gray with two girls I really loved- Martha, his girlfriend at the time and Chelsea, his dog.I took care of Chelsea whenever he and Martha were away, and I hung out with Martha and Kim (who also had a crush on Martha) whenever she was available. Eddie left Big Gray, broke up with Martha who became a Park Ranger in Washington, and went to medical school. I think Abby is still in touch with him. If that's the case, I hope she will direct him to the blog so he may add his remembrances. While I'm on that subject, I hope that all of you who read this will use the comments section to add your thoughts.The Milk Butter and Eggs generation was not without its problems, but compared to its predecessor, it was a quiet time at the big house. We had two fire chiefs. The guy who we took in right before Michael and Barbara left was the leader of that generation, Dan. As I said, he was from Ohio, a big Cincinnati Reds and Bengals fan. He studied Chinese at Ohio State and was translating letters and documents from China for a New York law firm when he came to Big Gray. Dan was an extremely ambitious person. He applied for and won a Kellogs' Foundation grant and soon after, began working towards the formation of an organization, The New York Rain Forest Alliance. Dan led the fledgling organization from a two person group to a major player in the field of ecological preservation. He still serves as Chairman of the Board. So,all this was going on while Dan was at the house. He left in 1991 after six years.I think Dan truly loved living at Big Gray, but grew weary of our constant necessity to reach consensus. Another fire chief who had a similar problem with our process was Sam who lived at Big Gray for two or three years during Dan's tenure. He too felt that the need for consensus was frustrating and blamed others for what he could not accomplish. Both these guys had a point, but I think both missed the point.If you're going to live in a house like Big Gray, you have to strike a balance between playing by the consensus rules and doing what you think is right. In January of 1989, we received a disturbing letter from the head of the parish council of the church that owned Big Gray. In it he stated that our rental agreement was monthly, and that new considerations (to convert the house for "Church use") required us to vacate by June of that year. The letter was addressed to me. I was very upset by it and immediately wrote a letter to the Monsignor asking him to reconsider the decision. Martha was the only other person home at the time I finished my letter. I showed it to her and asked her opinion. She thought it was OK, but was also disturbed by the news we might lose Big Gray. In spite of my communal sense, I had a proprietary feeling about the house and I sent the letter without consulting anyone else. I felt Dan would have taken a combative stance, which knowing the Monsignor as well as I thought I did, would have been the wrong approach. Someone else might have called a meeting and tried to bring everyone else along. I didn't. Later that evening at the emergency meeting I called, Dan berated me for acting without consulting the house. As I suspected, he wanted to hire a lawyer. Well, as it turned out, the lawyer he consulted told us we had no legal claim. And, when the Monsignor visited the house later on with members of the council, he assured me that "We should not worry- that as long as the house could be rented, he would rent it to us". As it turned out, the Church found it unfeasible to convert the house, and they continued to rent it to us till 1996 when we announced we would no longer continue.I believe my letter prompted the Monsignor's promise and that Dan's approach would have been seen as belligerent. But my point is that I didn't wait.I acted on impulse. I took charge. Dan and Sam both had problems moving within that process. I think it may have something to do with their own family dynamic, but I don't know.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Joyce and Maureen
With the benefit of hindsight, I am able to see the era after Steven as a turning point for Big Gray. Before and during Steven's tenure, I remember us acting much more by acclimation rather than by deliberation.The Native American metaphor, provided a kind of back story for us, and it produced a house where action often came before discussion. I suppose it would be valid to call it anarchy. I had a prejudice about establishing rules, as did many of the earlier members. We did have basic expectations that we would act towards each other in good faith, however. I mentioned before the way we took Kim into the house. We decided 5 minutes after he left the room that he was in.. We used to clean the house the same way. You might see Richie and Sylvia standing on the roof over the first floor shaking out rugs, and you would start cleaning yourself. Or the time right after Steven came, when we spent the day refurbishing the Library and painting (On Magic Mushrooms). Of course, a person could easily feel overlooked with that kind of "gang mentality" but I liked it better than setting up rules and having to say at meetings," The Library wasn't cleaned last week". During the early days, we were hated by the neighbors and that snake George (from the church) who would prowl around the house and take grape leaves without asking. All that adversary brought us together. I guess what happened after those initial 6 or 7 years is that we all needed a break from the chaos around our little group, and in a way, we became ordinary. Oh, the parties would still be good, and we would still have the opportunities to meet some great people along the way. And the internal disputes would continue,not as intensely for sure,. We would still have our share of eccentrics, but we would never again feel the same kind of exhilaration as when it was "us against the world".
The next person we took into Big Gray caused many meetings and discussions before we decided on her.She was a new direction for all of us. Every person we took into the house prior to Joyce had a certain kind of connection to the so-called" hippie or alternative" culture. Even Andrea who was pretty "straight" was extremely interested in alternative communities. In a way, Joyce symbolized the era that was to follow. Ironically, she wound up with Kim who was the most visible of our hippies. But when I interviewed her, I perceived this rather frail, cool woman who was here to study, (like many before and after her) who hated her present Manhattan "closet" and needed to find a cheap place to live. I never felt a real need(from her) to want to live with us because she thought it was anything more than a practical idea. I couldn't get off that till Barbara made the point that we needed her rent, we had been interviewing for a month and, she emphasized, we needed to clean up our act. I didn't want to clean up our act. I liked that we grew pot in the backyard. However, Barbara had a point too. It was right for us to take in someone who would be steady, straight and more "main stream". In the end, Barbara's thinking prevailed, and we voted Joyce a member. Maureen too came at that point. She too needed a place more than she needed to live in a commune. John wanted her because she was his age, but in the end, Maureen would join forces with Joyce and become a "voting block" to be dealt with over the years. There were many times I felt frustrated by their combined wills as when they voted against accepting a good friend of mine into the house. But, I can also recall many meetings where it was Joyce's cool way of looking at a problem that produced a solution. They both stayed to the end of our time as a house, so in many ways, the last fourteen years of our history can rightly be known as the Joyce and Maureen era. They were both part of the next group that would leave their mark on Big Gray- the group led by the Ohio Kid, Dan K.
The next person we took into Big Gray caused many meetings and discussions before we decided on her.She was a new direction for all of us. Every person we took into the house prior to Joyce had a certain kind of connection to the so-called" hippie or alternative" culture. Even Andrea who was pretty "straight" was extremely interested in alternative communities. In a way, Joyce symbolized the era that was to follow. Ironically, she wound up with Kim who was the most visible of our hippies. But when I interviewed her, I perceived this rather frail, cool woman who was here to study, (like many before and after her) who hated her present Manhattan "closet" and needed to find a cheap place to live. I never felt a real need(from her) to want to live with us because she thought it was anything more than a practical idea. I couldn't get off that till Barbara made the point that we needed her rent, we had been interviewing for a month and, she emphasized, we needed to clean up our act. I didn't want to clean up our act. I liked that we grew pot in the backyard. However, Barbara had a point too. It was right for us to take in someone who would be steady, straight and more "main stream". In the end, Barbara's thinking prevailed, and we voted Joyce a member. Maureen too came at that point. She too needed a place more than she needed to live in a commune. John wanted her because she was his age, but in the end, Maureen would join forces with Joyce and become a "voting block" to be dealt with over the years. There were many times I felt frustrated by their combined wills as when they voted against accepting a good friend of mine into the house. But, I can also recall many meetings where it was Joyce's cool way of looking at a problem that produced a solution. They both stayed to the end of our time as a house, so in many ways, the last fourteen years of our history can rightly be known as the Joyce and Maureen era. They were both part of the next group that would leave their mark on Big Gray- the group led by the Ohio Kid, Dan K.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Boyfriends and Girlfriends
With the exception of Laura, whose boyfriends rarely if ever visited the house, most of our significant others were often present and , all too often, proposed as prospective members. This was always a dilemma for me, because I discovered over the years, that a boyfriend or girlfriend often brought out negative traits which were less visible when that person was single. Now, of course this wasn't always true. In fact, several liaisons proved to be very good for the house. The problem was it was almost impossible to vote against a boyfriend or girlfriend entering the house. In fact, I can't remember a single incidence of one being rejected. For better or worse, we were all subjected to each other's taste in partners. It started with our core group. Jaime, after a few weeks in the house, started talking about this woman he had met in an ashram somewhere. Although they had never made love, they had a deep spiritual connection and he had invited her to stay with him over the summer. When Barbara G. arrived, we all liked her. She was British and very beautiful. I spent a good deal of time with her and really enjoyed talking to her. Apparently, Jaime and she never consummated their relationship. She wound up with a friend of Jaime and later returned to England. While she was home, she sent me a letter confessing that she had really been attracted to me, but didn't want to say anything for fear of spoiling Jaime and my friendship.After Barbara B was in the house, she (Barbara G) returned to the States and asked Alan and I to sponsor her for membership. Kim was on one of his sabbaticals and Alan and I were the only ones she knew. Steven killed the deal. Barbara B was tolerable to him (even though she was middle-class) because she was American, but Barbara G., being British, was totally unacceptable. So we had to tell her she couldn't join. She took it really badly, and I felt terrible.
Both Kim and I hooked up with other house mates while they were in the house. I was with Sheila and later Donna, and Kim with Susan and later, Joyce. I thought that together, Donna and I were a good mix for the house. We tried to be good house members and rarely ganged up on anyone. Both of Kim's girl friends didn't change appreciably from being with him, at least as far as their participation in the house was concerned. Then again, Kim wasn't a dynamo as far as house politics were concerned.
We had four couples who joined the house as couples. They were Sylvia and Richie, Eddie and Martha, Pete and Claire and Eric and Cathy. In spite of their problems with each other, Sylvia and Richie were great. They were both house leaders and while they were together, were both dynamic members who added a lot to Big Gray's culture. Eddie and Martha were very different in that Eddie was much more of a doer who readily joined in the group dynamic. Martha was somewhat less of a contributor to house politics, but Kim and I really liked her, and enjoyed laughing with her (especially about house politics). Pete and Claire were virtually inseparable. They were the most committed of the couples who joined the house together, had similar kinds of laid back personalities, shared the same career goals, and are, last I heard, now married and living in Delaware. I remember their perogi meals and Pete's contribution to the design and building of our back porch. Eric and Cathy were, unfortunately a disaster. They were married, more because of Cathy's immigrant status I think, than for mutual affection.This may be a harsh judgment , but Cathy, who spoke only French acted like a total shrew while they were in the house together. I saw it coming. I thought that Cathy was just along for the ride when Eric answered our ad for the house. I tried to draw her out during my interview with them, but she seemed almost disinterested . Eric kept apologizing for her, saying it was due to the language barrier, but I had serious reservations. I exacted a promise from him that he would make Cathy understand that house membership depended on both of them being a part of the house. The problems started almost immediately. Cathy had some problems with Maureen as I recall. Now Maureen, as I will tell later, was not the best at relating, but Cathy seemed really in the wrong. She also refused at first, to attend house meetings. Then,whenever she and Eric had problems, she would shriek and stamp her feet on the floor of their bedroom like some petulant child. We tried mediation, but she stomped out of the house meeting we called to alleviate the situation. It was a shame, because I liked Eric, but he was unable to handle her. We asked them to leave the house. I felt like Eric was deceitful in accepting membership knowing how opposed his wife was to living at Big Gray.
I told you a little about Michael earlier. When Barbara presented him to us as a member , it was an easy sell as far as I was concerned. I don't remember any real objection to him, and theirs was a great relationship. They never (and still don't) overwhelm you as a couple the way others did. I always felt totally comfortable in their presence. And, they were a great team for the house. They did some serious redecorating (Including the pumpkin colored dining room) and were a steadying influence on all of us. Michael was a great friend to me, and a source of sage advice too. When I was making up my list of Fire Chiefs, I omitted Michal because his style was so different than Matt or Steven, but he was a true leader in the house. While he was working as a school teacher (He taught high school at Bertrum Russel in the city) and a therapist, he willingly paid his rent a year in advance so we might have a cushion for paying the bills. Mike and Barbara were married while they were at Big Gray. Joyce and I went to City Hall with them for a quiet, private ceremony. Then, that weekend, we invited some 110 people to a big party at the house. We were able to put 85 folding chairs in the Dance Room with the other guests on the porch or standing in the back. Barbara came down the grand staircase with her entourage, and Michael , his best man, and me (I officiated) followed. Kim played the wedding march on the piano. It was a really nice ceremony and a great party-one of our finest moments. Mike and Barbara now live in Saugerties, New York and are among my closest friends from Big Gray.
Matt also met a girl while he was living at Big Gray, and sponsored her for membership. Gail was an artist whose principal medium was photography. She did some nice work while she was at Big Gray, but the problems between Matt and her proved her undoing. They had several arguments in front of others which were a little disconcerting, and the depressive side of Gail's nature would often become evident. In her defense, Matt had such a forceful personality that she often felt left out of decisions concerning their present and future plans. In fact, the woman who Matt met right after Gail and he broke up with whom he had three children, also complained of Matt's dominance in terms of asserting his will. In spite of his women problems, I will say if I were ever in an emergency situation, be it in a plane, in a foxhole, anywhere, I would want Matt at my side. He just wasn't that good at choosing women who could stand up to his strong will.
Abby's boyfriends did fairly well at the house. The first guy she brought around was English, and a nice guy. I remember he took part in our Kris Kringle tradition, and baked scones for us a few mornings. The man who she eventually married, and who she now lives with in Florida was an old hippie like the rest of us. He taught at Lincoln High School with Abby and had a big personality, which rubbed some the wrong way. But I recognized in Renee a certain kind of personality who while slightly pedantic, made for a very successful teacher, and indeed, Renee eventually became an assistant principal.Maureen (of the Cathy war) had a problem with Renee's snoring which she claimed kept her awake at night, but overall, he was like Abby, a warm and engaging personality.
Dan was an Ohio guy who worked in a law firm in New York translating Chinese when he was elected to membership. I will say more of this strong minded individual when I discuss his leadership role. While at Big Gray, he introduced us to Kristin who applied for membership as well. I wasn't exactly bowled over with the idea of accepting Kristin for membership. I felt the two of them would have a tendency to gang up and force their will on the house, which proved often to be the case, but as I said, it was akin to denying a sibling entrance to a private school after an older brother or sister had gained acceptance. It just wasn't done. So Kristin became a member, and when Dan left the house to go off on his own, she stayed behind. Like Donna , she had a strong personality and often tried to assert her will on others. More work for the peace chief. In spite of butting heads with her a few times, I liked Kristin, her mom, her two sisters, and her boyfriend, Russel who she eventually married.
The last of the house couples were Becky and Kent. Becky was a British photography student who came to New York to study and work. We all loved her and had a lot of fun entertaining her friends who traveled to Big Gray for visits. Kent was a young man from San Francisco who she met in New York. He too was a lot of fun and joined the house without making any serious waves. As a couple, they were good with each other and easy with the rest of us. I sometimes felt left out of the couple mix, but theirs was generally a good union.
In the end, it all boils down to my theory of what made a good house mate. If you related well to your family, your chances of making it in the familial atmosphere of Big Gray were greatly enhanced, and, as they say, you treat your spouse like you treated your mom/dad. I saw plenty of that too.
Both Kim and I hooked up with other house mates while they were in the house. I was with Sheila and later Donna, and Kim with Susan and later, Joyce. I thought that together, Donna and I were a good mix for the house. We tried to be good house members and rarely ganged up on anyone. Both of Kim's girl friends didn't change appreciably from being with him, at least as far as their participation in the house was concerned. Then again, Kim wasn't a dynamo as far as house politics were concerned.
We had four couples who joined the house as couples. They were Sylvia and Richie, Eddie and Martha, Pete and Claire and Eric and Cathy. In spite of their problems with each other, Sylvia and Richie were great. They were both house leaders and while they were together, were both dynamic members who added a lot to Big Gray's culture. Eddie and Martha were very different in that Eddie was much more of a doer who readily joined in the group dynamic. Martha was somewhat less of a contributor to house politics, but Kim and I really liked her, and enjoyed laughing with her (especially about house politics). Pete and Claire were virtually inseparable. They were the most committed of the couples who joined the house together, had similar kinds of laid back personalities, shared the same career goals, and are, last I heard, now married and living in Delaware. I remember their perogi meals and Pete's contribution to the design and building of our back porch. Eric and Cathy were, unfortunately a disaster. They were married, more because of Cathy's immigrant status I think, than for mutual affection.This may be a harsh judgment , but Cathy, who spoke only French acted like a total shrew while they were in the house together. I saw it coming. I thought that Cathy was just along for the ride when Eric answered our ad for the house. I tried to draw her out during my interview with them, but she seemed almost disinterested . Eric kept apologizing for her, saying it was due to the language barrier, but I had serious reservations. I exacted a promise from him that he would make Cathy understand that house membership depended on both of them being a part of the house. The problems started almost immediately. Cathy had some problems with Maureen as I recall. Now Maureen, as I will tell later, was not the best at relating, but Cathy seemed really in the wrong. She also refused at first, to attend house meetings. Then,whenever she and Eric had problems, she would shriek and stamp her feet on the floor of their bedroom like some petulant child. We tried mediation, but she stomped out of the house meeting we called to alleviate the situation. It was a shame, because I liked Eric, but he was unable to handle her. We asked them to leave the house. I felt like Eric was deceitful in accepting membership knowing how opposed his wife was to living at Big Gray.
I told you a little about Michael earlier. When Barbara presented him to us as a member , it was an easy sell as far as I was concerned. I don't remember any real objection to him, and theirs was a great relationship. They never (and still don't) overwhelm you as a couple the way others did. I always felt totally comfortable in their presence. And, they were a great team for the house. They did some serious redecorating (Including the pumpkin colored dining room) and were a steadying influence on all of us. Michael was a great friend to me, and a source of sage advice too. When I was making up my list of Fire Chiefs, I omitted Michal because his style was so different than Matt or Steven, but he was a true leader in the house. While he was working as a school teacher (He taught high school at Bertrum Russel in the city) and a therapist, he willingly paid his rent a year in advance so we might have a cushion for paying the bills. Mike and Barbara were married while they were at Big Gray. Joyce and I went to City Hall with them for a quiet, private ceremony. Then, that weekend, we invited some 110 people to a big party at the house. We were able to put 85 folding chairs in the Dance Room with the other guests on the porch or standing in the back. Barbara came down the grand staircase with her entourage, and Michael , his best man, and me (I officiated) followed. Kim played the wedding march on the piano. It was a really nice ceremony and a great party-one of our finest moments. Mike and Barbara now live in Saugerties, New York and are among my closest friends from Big Gray.
Matt also met a girl while he was living at Big Gray, and sponsored her for membership. Gail was an artist whose principal medium was photography. She did some nice work while she was at Big Gray, but the problems between Matt and her proved her undoing. They had several arguments in front of others which were a little disconcerting, and the depressive side of Gail's nature would often become evident. In her defense, Matt had such a forceful personality that she often felt left out of decisions concerning their present and future plans. In fact, the woman who Matt met right after Gail and he broke up with whom he had three children, also complained of Matt's dominance in terms of asserting his will. In spite of his women problems, I will say if I were ever in an emergency situation, be it in a plane, in a foxhole, anywhere, I would want Matt at my side. He just wasn't that good at choosing women who could stand up to his strong will.
Abby's boyfriends did fairly well at the house. The first guy she brought around was English, and a nice guy. I remember he took part in our Kris Kringle tradition, and baked scones for us a few mornings. The man who she eventually married, and who she now lives with in Florida was an old hippie like the rest of us. He taught at Lincoln High School with Abby and had a big personality, which rubbed some the wrong way. But I recognized in Renee a certain kind of personality who while slightly pedantic, made for a very successful teacher, and indeed, Renee eventually became an assistant principal.Maureen (of the Cathy war) had a problem with Renee's snoring which she claimed kept her awake at night, but overall, he was like Abby, a warm and engaging personality.
Dan was an Ohio guy who worked in a law firm in New York translating Chinese when he was elected to membership. I will say more of this strong minded individual when I discuss his leadership role. While at Big Gray, he introduced us to Kristin who applied for membership as well. I wasn't exactly bowled over with the idea of accepting Kristin for membership. I felt the two of them would have a tendency to gang up and force their will on the house, which proved often to be the case, but as I said, it was akin to denying a sibling entrance to a private school after an older brother or sister had gained acceptance. It just wasn't done. So Kristin became a member, and when Dan left the house to go off on his own, she stayed behind. Like Donna , she had a strong personality and often tried to assert her will on others. More work for the peace chief. In spite of butting heads with her a few times, I liked Kristin, her mom, her two sisters, and her boyfriend, Russel who she eventually married.
The last of the house couples were Becky and Kent. Becky was a British photography student who came to New York to study and work. We all loved her and had a lot of fun entertaining her friends who traveled to Big Gray for visits. Kent was a young man from San Francisco who she met in New York. He too was a lot of fun and joined the house without making any serious waves. As a couple, they were good with each other and easy with the rest of us. I sometimes felt left out of the couple mix, but theirs was generally a good union.
In the end, it all boils down to my theory of what made a good house mate. If you related well to your family, your chances of making it in the familial atmosphere of Big Gray were greatly enhanced, and, as they say, you treat your spouse like you treated your mom/dad. I saw plenty of that too.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Sociopath or Saint?
This will be the third and last post involving Steven, a pivotal figure in the history of Big Gray. As a result of Steven's tenure as our Fire Chief, we made several changes in the way we did things in the house, in the people we accepted and even in the way we held parties. For better or worse, Big Gray would continue on for another thirteen years after Steven. We would accept twenty-seven more members and end our experiment as we began it, together.
I've been reading a blog entitled"Farmie," (Sorry, I haven't figured out yet how to link) which tells the story of The Farm, a commune in Tennessee founded by Steven and Ina May Gaskin, two sixties activists/revolutionaries. Theirs was a much bigger, rural based commune. They were able to grow their own food, provide midwifery services to unwed mothers and do humanitarian work in third world countries. They followed Buddhist principles and had lots of rules and two dynamic leaders. At Big Gray, we were a lot smaller and had no real purpose other than to grow individually while we nurtured our alternative family. As I've stated before, our relative success or failure depended largely on the individual's response to the concept of family.
With Steven at the reins, we did prosper, albeit amidst a lot of turmoil. He really did believe and follow the concept of living as an anarchistic group without rules of governance, working out our difficulties by confrontation and integration. Many who lived there with him and several who came after him would never be able to survive in that atmosphere. After he left, we changed a great deal, and the people we took in changed too. I will leave it to you readers to decide if Steven was, as stated in the title of this post, saint or sociopath.
I'll recount a few 0f my memories of encounters with Steven and I invite others, as Mike did in an earlier post, to add their stories if there are any from that era who read my blog. I know that Abby and Kim for example, can add stories that would be illuminative.
To Steven's eye, I blocked my energy. In other words, he saw me as repressed. Now, coming as I did from a Catholic school, middle class background, this may have been true. I believe that my years in therapy and my experimentation with hallucinogens changed much of that, but I'm sure that even now, there remains some aspect of my past. This, to Steven was unacceptable. His Gestalt training made it impossible for him to "be at ease in the presence of someone else's disease." Whether this was an excuse for his behavior or a real response always was a question for me. I'll tell you about two incidents.
The first involves my kids again. As I recall, it was a day they were home from school. They were in our back yard , and I was on the back porch. At that time, Steven who later moved to the (cheaper) attic bedroom, had the bedroom directly over the kitchen. Now, it was later in the afternoon, possibly 2:00 PM. Steven had been working some night shifts as a car service driver in the neighborhood (you recall he had no green card). Apparently, the kids and I awakened him. His reaction was immediate and explosive. He came roaring downstairs screaming that we were inconsiderate and rude. I complained that it was afternoon and didn't realize he was still asleep, etc., but he continued to roar around the dining room now. It was very upsetting to me, but more so to my daughters who were frightened by Steven's manner. I will say that he pushed me into a physical confrontation. Before I knew it, we were grappling, and I was throwing largely ineffective punches as I rolled on the floor enveloped in his arms. Afterwards, I realized that I wasn't hurt at all. Now Steven was 6'4". He was certainly capable of doing damage to me if he wished. Instead, he seemed satisfied that he had provoked a reaction in me, and seemed to bear no ill feelings.
On another occasion, years later , we were in the kitchen together. I was angry with him over some issue and again, he seemed to want a reaction. He was drinking a cup of water at the time, and in the course of our argument, threw the water at me. This time, I backed down from a physical confrontation,even though I would have liked to punch him in the face. I turned my back on him, and he punched me once in the small of my back. It hurt for weeks afterward. I thought he might have ruptured a kidney.
I have also experienced tenderness and caring from Steven. When his drug use and debt to the house became too acute, we voted to remove him. Matt and John went up to his attic room and threw all his belongings out the window. He had bought an old truck which was parked in the yard. Without a word, he packed his things in the truck, and left. We never saw or heard from him again. He had been talking about going down to Florida. He was suffering from a chronic gum infection which he treated himself. I don't honestly know whether he's alive or dead. I know he had maintained contact with his family in England. I hope he was able to get back home again.
I've been reading a blog entitled"Farmie," (Sorry, I haven't figured out yet how to link) which tells the story of The Farm, a commune in Tennessee founded by Steven and Ina May Gaskin, two sixties activists/revolutionaries. Theirs was a much bigger, rural based commune. They were able to grow their own food, provide midwifery services to unwed mothers and do humanitarian work in third world countries. They followed Buddhist principles and had lots of rules and two dynamic leaders. At Big Gray, we were a lot smaller and had no real purpose other than to grow individually while we nurtured our alternative family. As I've stated before, our relative success or failure depended largely on the individual's response to the concept of family.
With Steven at the reins, we did prosper, albeit amidst a lot of turmoil. He really did believe and follow the concept of living as an anarchistic group without rules of governance, working out our difficulties by confrontation and integration. Many who lived there with him and several who came after him would never be able to survive in that atmosphere. After he left, we changed a great deal, and the people we took in changed too. I will leave it to you readers to decide if Steven was, as stated in the title of this post, saint or sociopath.
I'll recount a few 0f my memories of encounters with Steven and I invite others, as Mike did in an earlier post, to add their stories if there are any from that era who read my blog. I know that Abby and Kim for example, can add stories that would be illuminative.
To Steven's eye, I blocked my energy. In other words, he saw me as repressed. Now, coming as I did from a Catholic school, middle class background, this may have been true. I believe that my years in therapy and my experimentation with hallucinogens changed much of that, but I'm sure that even now, there remains some aspect of my past. This, to Steven was unacceptable. His Gestalt training made it impossible for him to "be at ease in the presence of someone else's disease." Whether this was an excuse for his behavior or a real response always was a question for me. I'll tell you about two incidents.
The first involves my kids again. As I recall, it was a day they were home from school. They were in our back yard , and I was on the back porch. At that time, Steven who later moved to the (cheaper) attic bedroom, had the bedroom directly over the kitchen. Now, it was later in the afternoon, possibly 2:00 PM. Steven had been working some night shifts as a car service driver in the neighborhood (you recall he had no green card). Apparently, the kids and I awakened him. His reaction was immediate and explosive. He came roaring downstairs screaming that we were inconsiderate and rude. I complained that it was afternoon and didn't realize he was still asleep, etc., but he continued to roar around the dining room now. It was very upsetting to me, but more so to my daughters who were frightened by Steven's manner. I will say that he pushed me into a physical confrontation. Before I knew it, we were grappling, and I was throwing largely ineffective punches as I rolled on the floor enveloped in his arms. Afterwards, I realized that I wasn't hurt at all. Now Steven was 6'4". He was certainly capable of doing damage to me if he wished. Instead, he seemed satisfied that he had provoked a reaction in me, and seemed to bear no ill feelings.
On another occasion, years later , we were in the kitchen together. I was angry with him over some issue and again, he seemed to want a reaction. He was drinking a cup of water at the time, and in the course of our argument, threw the water at me. This time, I backed down from a physical confrontation,even though I would have liked to punch him in the face. I turned my back on him, and he punched me once in the small of my back. It hurt for weeks afterward. I thought he might have ruptured a kidney.
I have also experienced tenderness and caring from Steven. When his drug use and debt to the house became too acute, we voted to remove him. Matt and John went up to his attic room and threw all his belongings out the window. He had bought an old truck which was parked in the yard. Without a word, he packed his things in the truck, and left. We never saw or heard from him again. He had been talking about going down to Florida. He was suffering from a chronic gum infection which he treated himself. I don't honestly know whether he's alive or dead. I know he had maintained contact with his family in England. I hope he was able to get back home again.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Matt, Michael, Julie,John, Jo Pat, Abby and Paul
Along with Barbara, these were the people who gained membership to the house during Steven's tenure. Two of them, Jo Pat and Paul were asked (forced) to leave, and Steven was (somewhat more violently) ousted as well. So, this was a period of our history filled with a lot of strife. Much of it centered around Steven who, cleverly never picked more than one house mate at a time to conflict with. Laura swore that this was because he was a classic psychopath, but this is getting ahead in the story.
After Barbara was elected to membership, Matt asked to join. Now, as I wrote earlier, he had been hanging around the house anyway. We were all familiar with him, his home made Harley and his gigantic Ford LTD convertible. It was clear that taking him in would lose us the rental income from our garage, where Roy A. from across the street parked his Jaguar. Since Roy's dad, Dr. A. was one of the neighbors who regularly called the police on us during parties, I felt that renting Roy the garage might be useful. But between Kim who always had at least one car and Matt, we were not going to be able to rent any more space. That consideration aside, I was definitely into taking Matt into the house. He was an incredibly energetic guy from a family of energetic people. Matt was someone who was driven to success in whatever field he entered. As a lanky teenager, he took up Karate and had his black belt by the time he was 17. After high school, where he won the city's Industrial Arts Award for two years running, he joined his dad's import/export firm. Business flourished under his drive and dedication. By the time he was 20, he had a Master Cabinet Maker's license and was working for a firm that built sets for trade shows. His plan, when he entered the house was to return to school (Aviation Academy) and get his Air Frame Mechanic's certification while he worked on his pilot's license. At the same time, Matt also had a gentle side. He really liked my kids and was very close with me. He asked for my advice a lot, and always listened to my opinions. As soon as he got into the house, I told him that our kitchen needed some renovation . He built a pot rack over the stove and a counter next to it giving us needed storage and work space. That was the kind of thing that really endeared him to me. He always looked to fix a problem with a hands on approach. Unfortunately, not all problems can be fixed that way, but this head strong, dynamic kid was a welcome addition. He was slated to get Jaime's room as soon as Jaime moved his stuff out. In a last display of power, Jaime told Matt he would be moving "when he felt like it" or words to that effect. Matt told him if he wasn't out in two days, he would move his stuff into the hall. This kid had power. Steven must have seen that immediately. In all the time they lived together, I never saw Steven try to intimidate Matt. He couldn't.
Matt had a few biker friends who came around to the house after he moved in. These were great people who shared a love of choppers, and had that biker mentality of "live and let live". I really felt it was going to be a special time in our history. That's when Steven started showing his darker side. I can remember the day it changed for me. It must have been early in September. I was still having trouble getting my kids in bed early enough so they could get up early for school. It was taking a little prodding and running between the kitchen and the third floor to facilitate their getting dressed and putting their breakfast and lunch together. I suppose it was louder than Steven wanted. He told us he liked to "move gently from the dream state to consciousness" Well, I'm sorry. You live with people. Anyway, he came down to the kitchen for water, and I made the mistake of saying, good morning to him. "I don't see what's good about it, with all this noise" was his less than amicable response. Naturally, I felt guilty for disturbing his precious dream state. That wouldn't have bothered most people, but I was really susceptible to any implied criticism involving my kids. I'll come back to my problems with Steven later. We had a complicated relationship.
After Matt, Barbara sponsored her boyfriend Michael's bid to become a house member. Three or four times after that, people wanted admission for their chosen other . It was always a problem, because you didn't want to reject a member's lover, but if you didn't share that person's enthusiasm for their spouse, well...That surely wasn't the case with Michael. He and I had met a few times before at Creative Quest, but had never really bonded. Then, before he and Barbara started dating, Marilyn (the other therapist from CQ) put together a conference at Ramapo College in New Jersey, entitled "Men and the Male Role". I decided to go and take my kids. It was one of the most rewarding experiences I had, and it was fantastic for my kids. I suppose there were about 300 people at the conference which lasted 5 days. The kids and I shared a dorm room and had meals together. The rest of the time, they banded together with the nine other kids who were there with their parents, including Julie, Michael's daughter. Always a dynamic individual, Julie became "leader of the pack", much to the chagrin of my daughter Patty who was a year older. We would see them all running around the campus only stopping to ask for vending machine money when they needed a candy fix. Meanwhile, Michael and I kept running into each other and shared quite a few pipe ceremonies during the conference. I immediately felt in him a kindred spirit, as he is to this day. So, I couldn't be more delighted that he wanted to become a house member. My girls were slightly less sanguine about admitting Julie who shared time with both her parents, but they managed to form a workable if not entirely strife free relationship.
Matt introduced us to John. He too was a Brooklyn biker. We all liked him. He had a wide open good natured smile, and a boyish innocence about him. He also had a little Italian girl friend with a strong Brooklyn accent who followed him around adoringly. Actually, John wasn't all too happy with Jo Pat's adulation, but I think we felt that he needed someone his own age in the house to relate to. Anyhow, we took in Jo Pat also. She got Alan's vacated room after Steven made it too uncomfortable for Alan to stay. I always felt bad because Alan was such a long time friend of mine and one of the few remaining founding members. But Alan wasn't one to form close bonds with people, preferring his privacy.It made it easy for Steven to isolate him and cut him out. Jo Pat followed in Alan's footsteps in that she isolated herself by falling far behind in her debt to the house. Smelling blood, Steven led the charge in putting her out. She never made it to six months.
So now, we had two Harleys in the garage. Inspired to join the new craze, Steven found a guy selling a British made Triumph motorcycle and somehow, on his car service driver's salary, managed to pay for it. I remember great rides on the back of all those bikes.
Putting an ad in the Voice unearthed Paul, a personal chef and caterer. He and Steven seemed to bond. I wasn't that sure about him, but I couldn't put my finger on anything specific. After he gained admittance, we learned that Paul had a thriving side business in dealing cocaine. This was not a drug I had any knowledge of. I had tried it, but didn't like it at all. I'll take coffee any day over coke. Paul's clientele, unlike those who bought pot called the house at all hours of the day and night and tended to be heavily aggressive personalities. After that, I saw cocaine become a big part of Bay Ridge's party scene and witnessed the ruination of many lives due to it. It seemed odd that we who grew pot in our backyard and smoked and did acid would find fault with another popular drug, but coke had an entirely different culture which this old hippie found to be destructive and mean spirited.We met over Paul and convinced Steven that his habits were a menace to our lifestyle. I think Steven would have liked Paul to stay because he saw in him a way of possibly making money, and a source for the drug Steven was becoming fond of.
Closing out that period of our history, my girls moved a few blocks away to their mom's place. After 5 years of being with them, I finally had become comfortable with the job of parenting. My daughters Margaret and Patty were in Fort Hamilton High School in Bay Ridge and Jen was in junior high. It left a big hole in my life when they moved, even though they were nearby and I saw them a lot. I felt empathy for what their mom must have experienced. Now, I had lost my girlfriend (Donna had moved to California) and my kids. That closed a chapter of my history, but there was still more to come for Big Gray.
Abby moved in right after the girls left. She was an artist and a school teacher. (She taught Art at Lincoln High School in Bensonhurst ) Abby was a great addition to the house. She had a warm personality, and bonded well with all of us. She also had a large group of friends who became fixtures at our parties and dinners. She built a jewelry studio in the basement too. Our basement which was empty and unused (except for Jaime's jar processing wall) had become a busy place housing Barbara's pottery studio, our washing machine which John had resurrected by putting in new hoses, a nursery for starting plants in the garden, a workbench for Matt's wood working projects, and Abby's studio. We even had another whole room with a sink which Kim and I eventually turned into a dark room.
Abby would be our 28th member counting the kids and girlfriends of Alan and Jaime who I haven't mentioned yet. It was the eighth year of our experiment in communal living. Following Steven's removal (for high crimes and misdemeanors), we would take a look at ourselves and make a decision to slow down, make some rules and tone down our "outlaw presence" in the neighborhood. These were all decisions which helped insure our survival, but looking back, I can say, we lost a lot of the edge that made living at Big Gray so joyful and exciting. I guess for me, I was growing older along with the house, and moving (kicking and screaming) towards maturity.
After Barbara was elected to membership, Matt asked to join. Now, as I wrote earlier, he had been hanging around the house anyway. We were all familiar with him, his home made Harley and his gigantic Ford LTD convertible. It was clear that taking him in would lose us the rental income from our garage, where Roy A. from across the street parked his Jaguar. Since Roy's dad, Dr. A. was one of the neighbors who regularly called the police on us during parties, I felt that renting Roy the garage might be useful. But between Kim who always had at least one car and Matt, we were not going to be able to rent any more space. That consideration aside, I was definitely into taking Matt into the house. He was an incredibly energetic guy from a family of energetic people. Matt was someone who was driven to success in whatever field he entered. As a lanky teenager, he took up Karate and had his black belt by the time he was 17. After high school, where he won the city's Industrial Arts Award for two years running, he joined his dad's import/export firm. Business flourished under his drive and dedication. By the time he was 20, he had a Master Cabinet Maker's license and was working for a firm that built sets for trade shows. His plan, when he entered the house was to return to school (Aviation Academy) and get his Air Frame Mechanic's certification while he worked on his pilot's license. At the same time, Matt also had a gentle side. He really liked my kids and was very close with me. He asked for my advice a lot, and always listened to my opinions. As soon as he got into the house, I told him that our kitchen needed some renovation . He built a pot rack over the stove and a counter next to it giving us needed storage and work space. That was the kind of thing that really endeared him to me. He always looked to fix a problem with a hands on approach. Unfortunately, not all problems can be fixed that way, but this head strong, dynamic kid was a welcome addition. He was slated to get Jaime's room as soon as Jaime moved his stuff out. In a last display of power, Jaime told Matt he would be moving "when he felt like it" or words to that effect. Matt told him if he wasn't out in two days, he would move his stuff into the hall. This kid had power. Steven must have seen that immediately. In all the time they lived together, I never saw Steven try to intimidate Matt. He couldn't.
Matt had a few biker friends who came around to the house after he moved in. These were great people who shared a love of choppers, and had that biker mentality of "live and let live". I really felt it was going to be a special time in our history. That's when Steven started showing his darker side. I can remember the day it changed for me. It must have been early in September. I was still having trouble getting my kids in bed early enough so they could get up early for school. It was taking a little prodding and running between the kitchen and the third floor to facilitate their getting dressed and putting their breakfast and lunch together. I suppose it was louder than Steven wanted. He told us he liked to "move gently from the dream state to consciousness" Well, I'm sorry. You live with people. Anyway, he came down to the kitchen for water, and I made the mistake of saying, good morning to him. "I don't see what's good about it, with all this noise" was his less than amicable response. Naturally, I felt guilty for disturbing his precious dream state. That wouldn't have bothered most people, but I was really susceptible to any implied criticism involving my kids. I'll come back to my problems with Steven later. We had a complicated relationship.
After Matt, Barbara sponsored her boyfriend Michael's bid to become a house member. Three or four times after that, people wanted admission for their chosen other . It was always a problem, because you didn't want to reject a member's lover, but if you didn't share that person's enthusiasm for their spouse, well...That surely wasn't the case with Michael. He and I had met a few times before at Creative Quest, but had never really bonded. Then, before he and Barbara started dating, Marilyn (the other therapist from CQ) put together a conference at Ramapo College in New Jersey, entitled "Men and the Male Role". I decided to go and take my kids. It was one of the most rewarding experiences I had, and it was fantastic for my kids. I suppose there were about 300 people at the conference which lasted 5 days. The kids and I shared a dorm room and had meals together. The rest of the time, they banded together with the nine other kids who were there with their parents, including Julie, Michael's daughter. Always a dynamic individual, Julie became "leader of the pack", much to the chagrin of my daughter Patty who was a year older. We would see them all running around the campus only stopping to ask for vending machine money when they needed a candy fix. Meanwhile, Michael and I kept running into each other and shared quite a few pipe ceremonies during the conference. I immediately felt in him a kindred spirit, as he is to this day. So, I couldn't be more delighted that he wanted to become a house member. My girls were slightly less sanguine about admitting Julie who shared time with both her parents, but they managed to form a workable if not entirely strife free relationship.
Matt introduced us to John. He too was a Brooklyn biker. We all liked him. He had a wide open good natured smile, and a boyish innocence about him. He also had a little Italian girl friend with a strong Brooklyn accent who followed him around adoringly. Actually, John wasn't all too happy with Jo Pat's adulation, but I think we felt that he needed someone his own age in the house to relate to. Anyhow, we took in Jo Pat also. She got Alan's vacated room after Steven made it too uncomfortable for Alan to stay. I always felt bad because Alan was such a long time friend of mine and one of the few remaining founding members. But Alan wasn't one to form close bonds with people, preferring his privacy.It made it easy for Steven to isolate him and cut him out. Jo Pat followed in Alan's footsteps in that she isolated herself by falling far behind in her debt to the house. Smelling blood, Steven led the charge in putting her out. She never made it to six months.
So now, we had two Harleys in the garage. Inspired to join the new craze, Steven found a guy selling a British made Triumph motorcycle and somehow, on his car service driver's salary, managed to pay for it. I remember great rides on the back of all those bikes.
Putting an ad in the Voice unearthed Paul, a personal chef and caterer. He and Steven seemed to bond. I wasn't that sure about him, but I couldn't put my finger on anything specific. After he gained admittance, we learned that Paul had a thriving side business in dealing cocaine. This was not a drug I had any knowledge of. I had tried it, but didn't like it at all. I'll take coffee any day over coke. Paul's clientele, unlike those who bought pot called the house at all hours of the day and night and tended to be heavily aggressive personalities. After that, I saw cocaine become a big part of Bay Ridge's party scene and witnessed the ruination of many lives due to it. It seemed odd that we who grew pot in our backyard and smoked and did acid would find fault with another popular drug, but coke had an entirely different culture which this old hippie found to be destructive and mean spirited.We met over Paul and convinced Steven that his habits were a menace to our lifestyle. I think Steven would have liked Paul to stay because he saw in him a way of possibly making money, and a source for the drug Steven was becoming fond of.
Closing out that period of our history, my girls moved a few blocks away to their mom's place. After 5 years of being with them, I finally had become comfortable with the job of parenting. My daughters Margaret and Patty were in Fort Hamilton High School in Bay Ridge and Jen was in junior high. It left a big hole in my life when they moved, even though they were nearby and I saw them a lot. I felt empathy for what their mom must have experienced. Now, I had lost my girlfriend (Donna had moved to California) and my kids. That closed a chapter of my history, but there was still more to come for Big Gray.
Abby moved in right after the girls left. She was an artist and a school teacher. (She taught Art at Lincoln High School in Bensonhurst ) Abby was a great addition to the house. She had a warm personality, and bonded well with all of us. She also had a large group of friends who became fixtures at our parties and dinners. She built a jewelry studio in the basement too. Our basement which was empty and unused (except for Jaime's jar processing wall) had become a busy place housing Barbara's pottery studio, our washing machine which John had resurrected by putting in new hoses, a nursery for starting plants in the garden, a workbench for Matt's wood working projects, and Abby's studio. We even had another whole room with a sink which Kim and I eventually turned into a dark room.
Abby would be our 28th member counting the kids and girlfriends of Alan and Jaime who I haven't mentioned yet. It was the eighth year of our experiment in communal living. Following Steven's removal (for high crimes and misdemeanors), we would take a look at ourselves and make a decision to slow down, make some rules and tone down our "outlaw presence" in the neighborhood. These were all decisions which helped insure our survival, but looking back, I can say, we lost a lot of the edge that made living at Big Gray so joyful and exciting. I guess for me, I was growing older along with the house, and moving (kicking and screaming) towards maturity.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Working at Home
In my "perfect communal living " fantasy, we would all stay home and work our little farm which produced a bumper crop of scientifically- grown sinsemilla, with which we would finance our entire enterprise. And, while we did manage to grow some nice sized back yard plants for baking Alice B. Toklas chocolate chip cookies, we never were able to create any type of business which utilized all our talents. Not that we didn't try. Our first attempt involved Donna, Steven and I. We called the business the Bay Ridge Human Resources Center, "a public service extension of Big Gray, with offices and rooms for individual and group communication. An extensive library and information service are at our client's disposal "(What? Come over to the house, hang out and read our books? People did that already. For free.) "Our personnel are trained professionals in such diverse fields as humanistic therapy (buzz word) counseling, body therapy, (Steven referred to one of his two clients as "the Hump")health education, planning, marketing, writing, editing and graphic arts." There was a lot more. Needless to say, we didn't get any business other than the two hapless victims Steven tortured.
After that, Donna and I worked together for a time soliciting advertisements from therapists, nutritionists and other touchy- feely characters for a New Age paper distributed in health food stores. (I forget the name) She also was an editor and wrote a few articles.
Barbara and her boy friend Michael who moved into the house at some point, were the most successful at working at home, (no surprise). When the craft store where she worked converted her studio to selling space, Barbara decided to build a studio in our basement. So, not only did she clean and paint the basement, she and Michael painted the stairway going downstairs, and while they were at it, painted the dining room and the bathroom under the stairs. All the work was done with taste and a perfectionist's eye (Barbara's). She even had a kiln put in with a separate electrical connection.She worked tirelessly throwing pots and teaching classes. Michael who was one of the therapists from Creative Quest moved his practice to Bay Ridge and saw clients in the office. I loved it, because it meant more people at home more of the time.
Joyce came into the house a year or two later and taught ballet classes in the front room.
While I was working at Circle's, I started doing workshops and seeing a few clients, myself. I had been training at the Gestalt Institute in New York. My practice never amounted to much though. I couldn't convince myself that I was any less fucked up than the people who were coming to me.
So in the end, Jackson who wrote his book at Big Gray and Barbara were the only two house members who worked exclusively at home. The rest of us all had other income sources. I guess, for an urban commune, we did all right. The fact that so many of us were at home so much of the time, assured that the house would always be welcoming. By and large, it was.
After that, Donna and I worked together for a time soliciting advertisements from therapists, nutritionists and other touchy- feely characters for a New Age paper distributed in health food stores. (I forget the name) She also was an editor and wrote a few articles.
Barbara and her boy friend Michael who moved into the house at some point, were the most successful at working at home, (no surprise). When the craft store where she worked converted her studio to selling space, Barbara decided to build a studio in our basement. So, not only did she clean and paint the basement, she and Michael painted the stairway going downstairs, and while they were at it, painted the dining room and the bathroom under the stairs. All the work was done with taste and a perfectionist's eye (Barbara's). She even had a kiln put in with a separate electrical connection.She worked tirelessly throwing pots and teaching classes. Michael who was one of the therapists from Creative Quest moved his practice to Bay Ridge and saw clients in the office. I loved it, because it meant more people at home more of the time.
Joyce came into the house a year or two later and taught ballet classes in the front room.
While I was working at Circle's, I started doing workshops and seeing a few clients, myself. I had been training at the Gestalt Institute in New York. My practice never amounted to much though. I couldn't convince myself that I was any less fucked up than the people who were coming to me.
So in the end, Jackson who wrote his book at Big Gray and Barbara were the only two house members who worked exclusively at home. The rest of us all had other income sources. I guess, for an urban commune, we did all right. The fact that so many of us were at home so much of the time, assured that the house would always be welcoming. By and large, it was.
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